Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
