omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
