its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
