Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
