Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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