Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
