In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
