she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
