Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
