Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize