they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
