The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize