WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
