If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
