bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
