Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
it's not cheating when I paid for it
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
