...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
