You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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