haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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