when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
