ADVERTISEMENT

• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night

  Fav 8 845 3509

  share tweet
  

• (716): View more from New York

  hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work

  Fav 20 5223 1135

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (727): View more from Florida

  I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...

  Fav 14 1351 4730

  share tweet
  

• (330): View more from Ohio

  I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.

  Fav 5 2614 1180

  share tweet
  

• (480): View more from Arizona

  I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

  Fav 3 4384 1149

  share tweet
  

• (819): View more from Quebec

  The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.

  Fav 7 2199 887

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (828): View more from North Carolina

  Slow dancing with the chandelier.

  Fav 4 1362 831

  share tweet
  

• (336): View more from North Carolina

  Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.

  Fav 11 1217 1086

  share tweet
  

• (630): View more from Illinois

  you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"

  Fav 2 1226 625

  share tweet
  

• (913): View more from Kansas

  Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.

  Fav 5 850 467

  share tweet
  

• (309): View more from Illinois

  I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.

  Fav 2 813 514

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (205): View more from Alabama

  Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.

  Fav 0 111 116

  share tweet
  

• (301): View more from Maryland

  Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood

  Fav 0 107 103

  share tweet
  

• (864): View more from South Carolina

  This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.

  Fav 0 18 60

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (+61): View more from Australia

  found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?

  Fav 0 67 13

  share tweet
  

Randomize