ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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