Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
