so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
jump out the window naked night went bad
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