I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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