I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I need to calm my uterus...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
