I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
