I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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