What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Walk of Shame today included voting.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
