Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So here I am, sexting at work.
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