Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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