I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
