i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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