I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
BRING THE BAGELS
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize