So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
