The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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