can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
