hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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