I'm jealous of your bromance
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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