I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
