Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
