Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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