I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
