remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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