I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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