Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
