He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
