dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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