I just cut my nipple shaving
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
