I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
