Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
