On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
