i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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