i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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