If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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