you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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